Y’all.. I’ve been grumpy today. Okay, for the past week. And feeling totally uninspired. I’ve just been feeling so blah. How about you? How are you feeling?
With me feeling so off kilter I’ve been thinking about what drives or motivates me. Is it how I feel? Is it hormonal? Or am I driven by my family/friends? Or am I driven by the need to be better than my predecessors? It’s often a combination of all of the above. But the thing about being motivated or driven to “do” by my feelings is that emotions are so fickle and are not often to be trusted. Yes, deal with the emotion and experience it; but I’ve learned that I am better off to not let it control me. What about my hormones? Don’t get me started on that one. I just have to ignore every thought in my head to survive those surges. (Considering everyone in my house and within my reach is still alive, I think I’m doing a great job. Ha!) Being driven to please those around me or to at least avoid disappointing them doesn’t work: they don’t even always know what they want, how am I supposed to know what is going to make them happy with me?And that drive to be better than my mother and her mother before her.. believe it or not, that won’t work either.
It boils down to me just finding a way to be happy to be me and to strive to just be a better me. And yes, most importantly, to please God. I can’t even please myself most of the time. In the end of this life, when I’m on my death bed, it won’t matter to me if I made everyone happy all of the time. It won’t matter if I kept house better or worse than my neighbor. What will matter is how I pleased my God and if I lived to my potential; not if I pleased other people and lived up to what I think they thought I should do or become. It will matter to me if I enjoyed the life and time I was given and didn’t constantly double guess myself. I want to take chances, to dream big and take leaps. Ah.. that is so against my nature and upbringing. But it’s what I want to instill in my children and those who follow me: I want them to be unafraid to fail. And since I firmly believe in teaching by example; I must unlearn to listen to the voice that tells me to stay in my comfort zones.
I hope this ramble made sense. I’m still trying to work all of this out within myself; how to stop criticizing myself and beating myself up for every time I say or think something that may not be perfect. I’m still trying to stop beating myself up for not being as pretty or organized or outgoing or thoughtful as my friends. I’m still striving to just be content with being me in all of my imperfections; trusting that I’m enough; that I’m good enough the way God made me. It’s enough for me to be the best mother I can be; it’s enough for me to be the best Christ follower I can be; it’s enough for me to be the best wife I can be: somewhere along the line, y’all, it’s gotta be enough to just be ourselves.
If this is something you are struggling with right now, for what it’s worth coming from me, resident lady/scholar/heidiva, you are enough. Who you are, just being you, it’s more than enough. Just be you. Even when you are feeling deflated, off kilter and sideways; just do the best you can. Enjoy your life: it’s worth living and relishing.